Friday, May 10, 2013

Why Don't We Bring Back the Draft?


Says a patriotic "progressive" at Salon.com. Check out the comments thread and notice all the chaps who actually think this is a good idea. The best dissenters you'll find out of six whole pages include a couple of "lean-forward" types who recite stylistic variants of, "Instead we should have two years of mandatory national service." Indeed. Because then it would be impossible to collect all the kiddies and round them up for war in...how many wars is the USA fighting again? Does anyone keep count anymore? Are we in Syria yet? I can't keep up. 




The very idea of conscription, compulsory "service," or involuntary servitude doesn't strike anyone as a tad bit evil. My favorite comment: "Whether it's reinstating the draft, raising taxes or banning assault weapons, once people get used to 'freedom' to indulge themselves, it gets harder to put that toothpaste back in the tube."

Yeah. Fucking freedom. There's just no way to get that sticky freedom toothpaste back in the tube! We'll have to do it slowly, with a toothpick. Incrementally. Person by person. Picking them off. Lots of education will be needed too. It's an orthodontic investment. Like what we did with those filthy cigarette smokers. Any recalcitrant globs of selfish tooth-pasties who refuse to comply, well, we'll deal with them.  Some colors of toothpaste just don't know what's good for 'em. We'll shove them back in. Or wash 'em away. Down the sink they go. Because freedom toothpaste is like, like, a thorn in my--No--like a thorn in society's side. They're stubborn as a mule those thorny toothpaste freedom-lovers. Just a bunch of stubborn, thorny toothpaste freedom mules. And a bunch of filthy, cigarette-smoking tax cheats and draft dodgers at that! Damn those selfish libertarian anarchists! 

Meanwhile, were the draft to be reinstated, I myself will be heading my cantankerous ass to Latin America while blowing kisses and shouting "Fuck-Off Fo-eva" to my fellow American patriots. 

David Sirota and his readers at Salon.com will of course be offended by us draft dodgers. Maybe the "progressives" on MSNBC will defend us. Maybe Fox News folks will roar in applause for us as we flee. But I doubt it. Everyone will support the draft. Watch this idea fester and trickle drips of hot Hitleresque secretions from the moist vaginas who favor it in the coming years.  

I'm counting on bipartisanship to do it, to "bring us all together" so we can stop the "obstructionism" and have an efficient nation-state with draft boards in every all-American neighborhood, the "well-functioning government" that we all deserve. 

It's just a shame that, as I'll be sipping margaritas and smoking inside the local strip joint off the coast of Acapulco with fellow anarchists like Jeff Berwick, other Americans in their 20s and 30s will be catching sprays of lead with their teeth in Syria (or Pakistan, Iraq, wherever). And they won't have no choice in the matter. But what's a silly thing like "choice" mean to this country and authoritarians like David Sirota? It's just another one of those archaic ideas thought-up by a bunch clowns who wrote the Magna Carta. 

All I can say is...Hasta luego, bitches. 

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