Friday, August 17, 2012

Angry Male Loners: A Composite List

With the notorious shootings in Wisconsin and Colorado still hot in the empty heads of the media folk who try to think for the rest of us, we've heard a lot of loose talk recently about angry male loners and the dangerous threat they pose to the rest of civilized society and the decent, positively peaceful people of America. No doubt, DHS, the FBI and our hoard of other policing authorities will be following such logic (if one could call it that) in lieu of the very un-PC tactic of profiling based on race and gender. 

So, being the patriotic citizen I am, I thought I would lend Janet Napolitano and our friends in DC a hand in tracking down these potentially violent psychopaths, in the name of public health, safety and preemptive strikes, by composing a list of loners who made their mark on world history—all with male genitalia and all with vicious anger streaks streaming through their souls. Let the profiling commence!: 

1)  Friedrich Nietzsche: poet philosopher, told people to "live dangerously" since, after all, "God is dead, and we killed him." Claimed to be the anti-Christ late in life before dying from insanity induced by a healthy dose of syphilis no doubt contracted from a kraut-craving dime-whore. Despised what he called "herd morality." Most definitely a loner. 

2) Soren Kierkegaard: part bourgeois trustafarian, part Christian fanatic, all loner. This genius was so lonely he claimed that "truth is subjectivity!" and that "truth is inwardness!" (whatever that stuff means). Collapsing in the street as he hollered like a crazy-man against the "herd mentality" of modern "Christendom," (not to be confused with Nietzsche's "herd morality"), the Great Dane died proclaiming that God only croaked on the cross for individuals, not systems, nation-states, or institutions. He refused the last rites of communion on his deathbed. What a loner. 

3) Henry David Thoreau: American anarchist, war-protester, tax-resister and, like the Unabomber, lived a solitary life in the woods by some lake called "Walden". Claimed to be the philosophical founding father of the modern "sovereign citizen" movement—obviously a hate-group of radical extremists. Even his transcendentalist friend Ralph Waldo Emerson was disappointed with him when Ralphie had to bail him out of jail for refusing to pay his taxes. Who did he think he was after all? Above the law?!? Wrote the extremist anti-government manifesto "Civil Disobedience." And loner to the end. 

4) Vincent Van Gogh: painter, expressionist, mutilator of his own ear. Despised by the art world. Locked up by majority vote as a "threat to public safety" by the town of Arles, France. After botching his own suicide attempt by shooting himself in the chest at 37, he died in his brother's arms. Luckily, he did not have to die as he lived—angry...and alone. 

5) Charles Schulz: wrote a wildly popular American cartoon in the later half of the twentieth century about a lonely boy and his troublesome beagle. Funny on the surface, Schulz’ comedy was most certainly derived from a life of inner tragedy…as a resentful loner.

6) Walt Whitman: sang a “barbaric yawp” as a tramp, this solitary sojourner and American libertarian poet, like Nietzsche, said YES! to human existence and the universe only after shedding his skin of American society and its social mores. A bisexual before bisexual was a word, this bard was so stuck in his own head that he refused to separate himself from his art, poetically culminating in the masturbatory poem “Song of Myself.” Usually proclaiming him to be a happy fellow, Americans forget his life was a life of defiance, perhaps a joyful defiance, and one lived bravely on the road. Alone.

7) Pee-wee Herman:  “I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.” Enough said.

8) Batman: Caped crusader and alleged crime fighter. Suffers from chronic anxiety, personality disorder and border-line psychosis. Violent and a dangerous menace to the public. Spends hours in a large, dark basement staring at computer screens, probably scouring the internet for bestiality porn or anti-government websites. Has a shady relationship (at best) with law-enforcement. Sparked authorship of the colloquial American phrase “bat-shit crazy.” Angry, anti-social and certainly one of the most eccentric of loners.

9) Martin Luther: German Catholic monk. To fulfill holy orders and duties, monks of all religious creeds spend lots of self-imposed time in solitary confinement with nothing but the silence of God to console their souls. This monk went so bat-shit crazy doing so, he tossed his inkwell at the wall and claimed it was the devil heckling him! Pissed off the Pope and his pals when he proclaimed the “priesthood of all believers,” the doctrine of sola fide (salvation by faith alone), and theology of the cross over the theology of glory. No one really knows or understands what any of this stuff means (and why should we?!), but we do know that this monk somehow struck a blow to the bank account of Michelangelo, when artsy-Mikey was painting the Sistine Chapel, after the peasants ceased purchasing indulgences to buy off a few thousand years worth of posthumous suffering. Then this monk, when having to answer for his nasty attitude against one of our most beloved and sacred institutions, had the audacity to state the following: "Unless I am convinced by proofs from Scriptures or by plain and clear reasons and arguments, I can and will not retract, for it is neither safe nor wise to do anything against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen." What a punk-ass bitch. Like Socrates, the monk was an inspiration to another law-breaker, Martin Luther King Jr., of the 20th century (no relation). This monk was a sad, angry and bitter little man. A true loner.   

10) Jesus H. Christ: Jewish radical and extremist who thumbed his nose at both the Hebrew and Roman authorities. Some modern psychologists think he certainly fit the profile of a “self-hating Jew,” and had the complex that went with it. Striking physical resemblance to Osama Bin Laden. Usually preached universal love, the suspension of ethical or social judgment in the face of human finitude, and absolute, perpetual forgiveness (except for when he didn’t). Possibly suffered delusions from paranoid schizophrenia salted with a slight savior complex to boot: (claimed to be God-incarnate, or the Son of God, the final sacrificial lamb for all of humanity, etc.) Most likely influenced by the ancient Cynic philosophers, such as Diogenes, the “mad dog” who masturbated in public and shat in the Athenian theater, who was in-turn inspired, once again, by Socrates. No doubt this Hebrew had one hell of an anger problem, as witnessed by those who experienced first-hand his hissy fit at the Jewish Temple, which eventually landed him in a load of shit, before he was abandoned or betrayed by his so-called friends (err, pussies) as he was condemned to die, all alone, on a cross.  Savior or not, he died a sad and angry male loner. 

And that’s the list!  So, I hope it helps, Miss Napolitano!  Good luck on your witch-hunt. And remember kids, freedom isn’t free.  Be a patriotic citizen and report your neighbors, friends or family to DHS, the DOJ or FBI if you see or hear them say anything remotely suspicious! Use the list above to profile for unusual, abnormal or anti-social behaviors and attitudes. Remember what Big Sis says: See something, say something! Don’t question anything your government tells you. Those good people who work for the American nation-state exist to help you face the terrifying post-9/11 world we inhabit today. They’re from the government, and they’re here to help. (In fact, it’s probably best that you stay inside as much as possible. It’s scary out there!) And always beware of those angry male loners. You never know who one might be…          

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